Legalese

Before I get into the heart of this (long) post, I want to deliver this teaser: the current portions of my ballad are essentially done. Unfortunately, it's not complete because it ends wretchedly. (More torture available upon request). But on the the real news.
As some of you may be able to attest, I love finding loopholes in legalese. Which made things even more fun as I plugged them for my eBay return policy (as follows). It's not perfect, but the last clause is a catch-all, so everything is good (feel free to skip past it):

Returns for a refund can be made if the item is not as advertised, and the warranty provided does not cover the issue. In such a case, an exchange may be available.
If the item is as advertised, and has not been unsealed, then a $10 restocking fee applies to returns.
Any other return is subject to seller approval.
If the item has already shipped, then shipping and handling fees will not be refunded.
Returns being shipped backed to the seller are the responsibility of the buyer. This includes, but is not limited to, any fees involved with shipping and shipping reliability. Final return conditions will be neither analyzed, determined, nor applied until the seller has the item in question. If a return is rejected after the return process begins, additional fees (i.e. shipping and handling fees) may apply for the buyer to receive the item.
Other conditions may apply (please contact for specifics).

I've already made $20 off of some idiot who bought something, paid for it, canceled it, bought another item, paid for it, and then canceled it. And talking on the phone, the guy reminded me of my old roommate who didn't have the mental capacity to think (you know, with a brain) - so I was glad to take free money from him (ok, it's an ebay-listing/fix-a-spreadsheet/unpack-a-box charge).
Think me great, or think me evil, you know you wish you could swim the capitalist waters in your free time like I do. Speaking of which, with one investor already on board I am looking to expand. If you're a friend of mine looking for some unearned income better than any bank will offer, drop me a line (I'm not even kidding).
On the subject of investing, Apple shares (AAPL) have dropped ~$70 (to ~$130) in the last few weeks. And despite our impending economic doom, AAPL predictions still maintain themselves at ~$210. Now is the time!